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| Blogs > schothot69 > Intelligence is very sexy |
Guilt and Performance Anxiety...
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Guilt and Performance Anxiety...  So in the past couple of months I have had a few of experiences with what I would have to call performance anxiety. With each of these men, we had met for drinks and talked for quite a while, and got along great. In one case, we spent probably a couple of hours hanging out, playing pool, having a couple beers, flirting wildly and kissing before deciding to take it to the next level. In two others, we had again met for drinks and talked for a while, again flirting and kissing before deciding to go further. As a side note, can I just say that there is NO WAY you can ever underappreciate a good kisser. I love kissing. It gets me going like nothing else and I think you can really tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss. I'm going to have to write a whole separate blog about this topic... but I digress. Back to the stories. These aren't in any particular order so bear with me. When A and I were talking over drinks, he actually told me that he almost didn't show up. He'd been seeing someone a lot recently - actually referred to her as his girlfriend. I had asked if they weren't having sex or something since he was there meeting me, but he said no, she was pretty much a freak in bed but he hadn't had the "we're exclusive" talk so didn't think he was doing something wrong. Mind you, this was also after weeks (yes WEEKS) of emailing and texting and IMing. He really didn't seem like he had to convince himself to take it to the next level. Which we did  . Well, I should say which we tried to do. Let me put it this was - it was a challenge. We didn't actually fuck. He came from me sucking him off. I came a couple times too so don't feel bad for me just yet. LoL!!When B and I met, it was actually a pretty typical Older Hookups-conversation. We shared the how long have you been on the site, how many people have you met types of stories. He was married too like me, his wife was out of town, and I was not the first person he'd ever been with. When we took it back to my hotel, it was a challenge. Hard then soft then hard then soft. For hours. He just plain could not keep it up. Now mind you, I was not neglected all this time. I came a few times actually, we just never had actual sex. And believe me, I was working hard to get him hard that whole time. You name it I did it, and for the most part it worked but when it came time to get the condom on, it was over in a flash. Sigh. He did finally cum but not from anything involving penetration. Yes, my oral skills come thru again. Ta da! When C and I met, he did tell me I was the first person he'd actually met from a.f.f. He was married too like me, and his wife actually knew and encouraged him to find a playmate. Not surprisingly though, when the time came, his mind got the better of him and he just could not maintain an erection. Again, I was not neglected. Again, I did all I could to help it happen. Again, no actual fucking. I did actually get him to cum finally thank goodness (oral goddess here!) and wow was there some built up cum from the activity up to that point. We laughed later that now that I'd popped his a.f.f cherry it would probably get easier the next time. Anyway, now that it's been a few weeks since the last one I've been thinking about it all and pondering how much of it all is guilt related. And then last night I was watching some tv show about the 90's and there was this bit on Clinton and Monica Lewinsky and his whole "I did not have sex" line. That really got me thinking and I've formulated my theory. Sex sex and oral sex are just plain not the same boat. They are both watercraft, don't get me wrong. But I think oral feels more disconnected for some people that they can lose themselves in the process and just plain enjoy it. Actually fucking someone takes some additional effort, so if your mind is even a little bit somewhere else you can probably forget it. It's just not happening. Looking back at each of these, I think these performance issues had to do with guilt. Permission to play or not, it's just hard being with someone and fucking someone else. Getting a bj is less personal I think. Am I making this up? Perhaps. It's my story and I'm sticking to it. Why do you think guys sometimes have performance issues? |
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Definitely sounds like a guilt trip for those guys... It happens without guilt, too, and has happened to all guys at one time or another - me included... The few times I had "performance anxiety" was always with a new lover, when my brain started stressing over the possibility of not satisfying her, and my ego being shattered... Basic terror... It always worked out that once the first "failure to launch" was out of the way and I could just relax, things improved drastically - to both of our delights. Thanks to the ladies' patience... Pleasing women in unbelievable ways for 45 years... You could be next...
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it will be a great breakthrough when men and women are no longer affected by negative emotions
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At 53, I've not had problems with maintaining. I have problems with coming too soon on first times. Guess all of us have different "coping" mechanisms...
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I wrote a blog awhile back about how men try to get together for sex with you and they are not really 'into' it, but society makes them feel like they SHOULD be into it and that may be why 1) they flake when it comes time to meet and 2) they have issues when it comes time to have sex. Along those lines I knew a woman who worked at a Urologists office and she said men were coming in there a lot thinking they had ED and MOST of them did not. It was our conclusion that the first part of what I said was true, they only think they are suppose to want to have sex all the time. *shrug* I wonder if that may also be why men are so willing to allow us (not you and I just a general us) to give them a BJ, because they know they CAN rise to that occasion and are worried they can't for the other. 
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There can be any number of reasons why they're having trouble maintaining an erection -- guilt, anxiety, fear, doubt, or stress, or it could be a common problem regarding blood flow (which is easily cured by Viagra, Cialas, etc.). I wouldn't take it as an indication that you're doing anything wrong. The problem is in one of his heads. [post 3097853] Come join the half-nekkid fun! Check out HNW Bloggers.  
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I'm having that issue with my partner now hence why I'm on this site. I wish I knew the answer.
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The only time I've had performance issues is when I've already had sex more than twice in a day, or when I've already had it once and conditions are difficult. That points to one possible cause for performance problems: overuse. My wife said she had a boyfriend way back when who frequently had performance problems because he beat off too much, and didn't always have anything left for real sex. That was one reason she dumped him. Another potential reason for problems is drinking too much. I don't drink to excess, but that was a problem with another of my wife's ex-boyfriends. She dumped him because of the performance problems that resulted from drinking, the drinking itself, and the guy's general narcissism. There are plenty of illness issues that cane cause troubles too. Psychological issues can interfere. A man might be horny in general, but not attracted to the potential partner -- one of the reasons that sex-dates typically start with a public meet-and-greet is to give both people the chance to bail if they find the other person doesn't turn them on. Going ahead in spite of that is asking for disappointment. It's also possible for psychological issues that have nothing to do with the would-be partner to interfere. For example, my wife always turns me on, but if we happen to have a conversation about distasteful subjects (particularly my evil ex-girlfriend) right before, things don't always go as well. (That usually doesn't mean erection problems for me, but it can make it less fun.) In that case, it takes a lot of extra time to get the distasteful subject out of our heads before we can go ahead without trouble.
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