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| Blogs > rm_bella_ > Confessions Of An Italian |
Whether To Forgive
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Whether To Forgive I can honestly say I have many, many faults and not the least of them not being there when a friend was need. But at the same time I was never unavailable or simply put insensitive to the point of damaging a relationship when one of my friends was need. It has been a week since I was beat up and just about that since my friend and I parted ways. Today I received a letter from her dropped into my mailbox appologizing for her actions and words against my very being. I cried when I read it because I knew I would have a hard time just pushing it under the rug. Tonight I am home and she called me. I was rude in the sense that I didn't say a word and just let her speak. She wants me to forgive and forget and to go on as though nothing has happened. I know it is easy to start a friendship but the maintainance is like any other relationship, it takes work and nurturing if it is worth anything. I am not perfect and I know more important friendships other than mine have dissolved over more serious events and been forgiven at the same time. I always try to remember 2 quotes I once read by Ghandi: The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love. Who am I to do otherwise if I want to improve myself. The past years I have been trying to conform, or to put it more clearly, to understand my past mistakes and learn from them in an effort to improve and be a better person. In doing this I understand that in order to keep a friendship I need to practice 4 qualities, those being loyalty, honesty, dedication and forgiveness. But how can I forgive when my friend betrayed these 4 qualities I try to live by? How can I ever trust, believe or confide in her again. I am trying to be a better person and to do this I would have to go against every instinct I have. I don't know if I can do this and yet I love her as a sister. Tonight I am no longer a to her, I am valued.... until when?  |
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2/6/2009 8:48 pm |
Words always cut deeper the actions. In a lot of ways what she did is probably more painful then what he did. It's a tough call, but if it was me, she would be yesterdays news. You know whats they say with friends like that..........
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2/6/2009 10:57 pm |
"Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" is a matter of debate. If a person smashes your face in and causes trauma, physical damage, or any manner of harm. What possible good will come by forgiving your attacker besides making it easier for them on many levels? Oprah touts forgiving, Ghandi as well. The bible has the "eye for an eye" thing. What is the value of forgiving? I have been physically attacked quite a few times, and find no value in it whatsoever. The anger I have would not lessen if I forgave them. What worked for me was to focus on not letting my anger destroy me, and being more careful, cautious and above all stronger in protecting myself in the future. I'm a better and stronger person in the long run, and I don't forget anything. Payback truly is a bitch served cold, to misquote an old Italian saying. ps- You look smokin' hot in black Bella 
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Okay, am I the only one who thinks you should just think of this friendship as a learning experience and move on? I don't think you should forgive her. As Dante said...... ""Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" is a matter of debate. If a person smashes your face in and causes trauma, physical damage, or any manner of harm. What possible good will come by forgiving your attacker besides making it easier for them on many levels?" You really WANT your friendship to continue, but you have to be honest with yourself and know that it is already done. Real friends, not even in terrible anger, say the kind of things that she said to you. Please think long and hard about this, and know you will always worry about her doing something else to you, worry what she is really thinking, worry she might do it again. Things will never be the same. Ever. I know it is sad, and you will cry, and feel a loss, but better than than being hurt again. You would not let a man treat you like shit and let him back into your life. A friendship with anyone is the same way. Just my opinion and feel free to tell me to shut up.
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I do not think that it is intelligent for anyone here to advise you one way or another on this one.... However there are some points that you appear to be missing.... Ghandi was talking about the act of forgiving only... What this means is that if Ghandi and I were friends and I did something awful to him then he would forgive me within himself, i.e. he would not let hate rule his life. He would not hold on to negative feelings about me, or desire me any 'revenge' like ill will back... that does not mean that he would be my friend again and things would 'go back to the way they were'. I believe in personal responsibility... so in this case your friend has to take responsibility for her actions (which to a degree she has done) and she knows that she has done wrong and is looking to make ammends. But anything that you do in reply is your responsibility... so for instance where you to take revenge... then you would open to the consequences of those actions. Where you to forgive her and trust her again and try to rebuild that relationship and she did something similarly awful in the future... you have to bear responsibility for that. If you had a friend who came to you and said that they were walking along and they had trodden on a snakes nest and a snake had bit them, well you would help them. You would look at the wound and cluck over them and dress it, administer anti-venom (if that were necessary) and help them to recover. If a couple of days after that friend had recovered they returned to you looking awful again and you asked what the matter was... and they replied 'I went back to the snakes nest and trod on it again...' well you would be concerned, but your empathy might be so great. You might think, well why have they done that? Imagine if they did it every week? At what point are you going to think... I do not have time today, why not just avoid the fucking snakes nest? You know what happens? I am sick of you repeating the same mistake? etc. My point is this, your friend has proven herself to have bad judgement and to not be able to contextualise a pretty awful situation and to hurt you. Absolutely forgive her... but that does not mean that you need to restore her to her previous exalted position... Remember it has been one week. Everything is happening too fast for you. Assault and the aftermath, your friends letting you down and then coming around for forgiveness... you need to not be making any big decisions here, because you are probably still recovering from the assault... step back, disengage. Realise that how you feel today may not be the same as how you feel after the bruising has gone down. So you do not need to make these decisions now. Relax and recover... give yourself time to realise whether you want to forgive and restore your friendship... and do it at your own pace, not fecking Ghandi's.
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2/7/2009 3:47 am |
Give it time, tell her don't call or write for 6 weeks, and see if you both truly miss each other...philadelphia, true freindship love
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that dear friend is a hard call...25 years of friendship...does it out weigh he meltdown...i just do not know...i have a wonderful friend and it has in the 37 years weathered 4 years of not talking but we have forgiven each other..lies harsh words betrayal..the whole gamete....but we are good friends with many good memories.... a really good friendship weathers the storms an acquaintance does not give it time....all have their reasons for what happpened(in that i mean you and your friend) forgive but never forget!!! oh Bella this is a hard one.....you need to weigh this out...what are the pluses of this relationship and what are the minuses...make a list and compare it..make a list of the qualities of friendship and see if she fits into it things change...as you change so do the friends realm.... just keep writing and it will become clearer for you...then you can make up your mind...if she is a vital part of you..of who you are...see if she fits into where you want to take your life to...it is your book of life that you are writing...turn the page and start a new chapter...keep the same character or change them...all good books need a protagonist and an antagonist.... hugs sweetie you will figure it out... have a wonderful weekend Bella....NO MOre Ice cream..LOL LOL   []   Seduce my mind and my body
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2/7/2009 8:51 am |
First of all DO NOT conform, it is a form of slavery. I won't give advice on friendship as I am not very experienced in that area of life. I was wondering though. You mentioned the guy who hit you was a friend of your friends boy friend. I wonder if there is something more going on with her. Beaters stick together don't they? You doing the right thing in pressing chargers may have had consequences for her. Whether the friendship returns or not you may want to sit her down somewhere safe and talk things through. If it is just her being a fair weather friend then forgive and forget her. Hugs!  
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2/7/2009 9:07 am |
Hi Bella, I know that everyone responding to your blog with their thoughts and advice, myself included, are doing so with heart felt good intentions. The bottom line though is that only ones self knows who and what they are willing to forgive. The dynamics of your friendship is going to be changed regardless of your decission. Your friendship was molded over a 25 year period, you don't have to rush to make the decission of whether or not it is going to continue. Perhaps your friend was being pressured by others. We've all been in this situation and I believe that time is a healer. I wish you peace of mind Bella, Take care
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2/7/2009 9:11 am |
A man once asked, how many times must i forgive my brother, 7? The man was then told, no 7x 77. This is and will always be one of the hardest things we must do.(some harder than others) But one thing I have learned is that forgiveness sets me free. I choose to live in the light and not the dark.
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2/7/2009 9:14 am |
i had a friend that betrayed me to the core once... he was my best friend for 13 years too, we were brothers until then. i've forgiven him but i am also no longer friends with him for there is no way i could trust him. you don't have to become friends again to forgive especially if circumstances are such that the trust is gone. do what you think is best for YOU first. if you choose to forgive that is fine, if you choose not to that's fine too. either way you'll be just fine ...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!... 
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Is it possible that she has an agenda? Wants to be in your good books again because she wants you to drop the charges against the fucktard who assaulted you? Teenagers are god's punishment for having sex!! Pan 
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Words always cut deeper the actions. In a lot of ways what she did is probably more painful then what he did. It's a tough call, but if it was me, she would be yesterdays news. You know whats they say with friends like that..........
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You really have brought up a good point that has me thinking...in the event of a court case, whose side would she be on? And how will I feel if it is not on mine if I do forgive?
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"Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" is a matter of debate. If a person smashes your face in and causes trauma, physical damage, or any manner of harm. What possible good will come by forgiving your attacker besides making it easier for them on many levels? Oprah touts forgiving, Ghandi as well. The bible has the "eye for an eye" thing. What is the value of forgiving? I have been physically attacked quite a few times, and find no value in it whatsoever. The anger I have would not lessen if I forgave them. What worked for me was to focus on not letting my anger destroy me, and being more careful, cautious and above all stronger in protecting myself in the future. I'm a better and stronger person in the long run, and I don't forget anything. Payback truly is a bitch served cold, to misquote an old Italian saying. ps- You look smokin' hot in black Bella
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Your comment has put a whole new perspective in place for me. I never thought she would want to speak again just for information and to help out her friend. And what kind of friend is she to me again? My mind is racing.
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I do not think that it is intelligent for anyone here to advise you one way or another on this one.... However there are some points that you appear to be missing.... Ghandi was talking about the act of forgiving only... What this means is that if Ghandi and I were friends and I did something awful to him then he would forgive me within himself, i.e. he would not let hate rule his life. He would not hold on to negative feelings about me, or desire me any 'revenge' like ill will back... that does not mean that he would be my friend again and things would 'go back to the way they were'. I believe in personal responsibility... so in this case your friend has to take responsibility for her actions (which to a degree she has done) and she knows that she has done wrong and is looking to make ammends. But anything that you do in reply is your responsibility... so for instance where you to take revenge... then you would open to the consequences of those actions. Where you to forgive her and trust her again and try to rebuild that relationship and she did something similarly awful in the future... you have to bear responsibility for that. If you had a friend who came to you and said that they were walking along and they had trodden on a snakes nest and a snake had bit them, well you would help them. You would look at the wound and cluck over them and dress it, administer anti-venom (if that were necessary) and help them to recover. If a couple of days after that friend had recovered they returned to you looking awful again and you asked what the matter was... and they replied 'I went back to the snakes nest and trod on it again...' well you would be concerned, but your empathy might be so great. You might think, well why have they done that? Imagine if they did it every week? At what point are you going to think... I do not have time today, why not just avoid the fucking snakes nest? You know what happens? I am sick of you repeating the same mistake? etc. My point is this, your friend has proven herself to have bad judgement and to not be able to contextualise a pretty awful situation and to hurt you. Absolutely forgive her... but that does not mean that you need to restore her to her previous exalted position... Remember it has been one week. Everything is happening too fast for you. Assault and the aftermath, your friends letting you down and then coming around for forgiveness... you need to not be making any big decisions here, because you are probably still recovering from the assault... step back, disengage. Realise that how you feel today may not be the same as how you feel after the bruising has gone down. So you do not need to make these decisions now. Relax and recover... give yourself time to realise whether you want to forgive and restore your friendship... and do it at your own pace, not fecking Ghandi's.
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that dear friend is a hard call...25 years of friendship...does it out weigh he meltdown...i just do not know...i have a wonderful friend and it has in the 37 years weathered 4 years of not talking but we have forgiven each other..lies harsh words betrayal..the whole gamete....but we are good friends with many good memories.... a really good friendship weathers the storms an acquaintance does not give it time....all have their reasons for what happpened(in that i mean you and your friend) forgive but never forget!!! oh Bella this is a hard one.....you need to weigh this out...what are the pluses of this relationship and what are the minuses...make a list and compare it..make a list of the qualities of friendship and see if she fits into it things change...as you change so do the friends realm.... just keep writing and it will become clearer for you...then you can make up your mind...if she is a vital part of you..of who you are...see if she fits into where you want to take your life to...it is your book of life that you are writing...turn the page and start a new chapter...keep the same character or change them...all good books need a protagonist and an antagonist.... hugs sweetie you will figure it out... have a wonderful weekend Bella....NO MOre Ice cream..LOL LOL
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wow! all great questions I need answers for. You think much more deeply than I do. I need to think...thank you
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Is it possible that she has an agenda? Wants to be in your good books again because she wants you to drop the charges against the fucktard who assaulted you?
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2/8/2009 9:13 pm |
You have a decision to make no matter which road You take....for me, loyalty, trust, authenticity and honesty are important...Yes, I can forgive but it does not mean I can accept them fully back in my life...if they are untrustworthy and not there on the crunch when one truly needs a friend...then I don't want them in my life.... Yes we all make mistakes, like forgetting a birthday, being late for an appointment, being thoughtless at times but there are lines one can't cross....like accusing You of something that is not true....YOU want a friend to stand by YOU without question....that to me defines what true friendship is....when times are the toughest, they are there beside, behind and in front of YOU.... Ultimately, no one must judge You for Your decision....I wish You the best.... TASTE LIFE IN ALL IT'S FLAVOUR
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I have lived thru an experience similar to what you're debating within yourself and still miss the friendship I had with an old (non-sexual) girlfriend. She did and said some things that effectively went over the line - the type of stuff that no matter how angry you get, you shouldn't say. As time passed and apologies were issued, we tried to patch things up but for me the trust was gone and it could never be the same. My advice Bella is that if you find it within yourself to at sometime forgive your friend, it doesn't mean that things have to go back to the same way they were. It's exactly like a romantic relationship with longtime bestest friends - the expectation of trust and the break of trust is too much and you can never fully gain it back and be at the same place ever again. Accepting that is sometimes the hardest part of letting go because we often remember the "good times" Unfortunately the good times happen because of that level of trust and intimacy (non-sexual).
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2/13/2009 11:48 pm |
hi...............................................................
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Hello Bella. I'd like to add my voice to your many friends who've been dismayed at the unfortunate incident, and of course we hope for the best possible outcome for you. I was sad to learn that things took this turn for the worse. Sometimes friends say hurtful things to friends because they'd want them to know how it is perceived by so many others, and the "are you insane?" or "hey you've got bad breath" is not always welcome to be sure. For your circumstances however, quite perplexing the lack of support is. Almost as though two different issues are at play? I think the philosophy you'd like to live by is the correct one. We all admire you for that Bella. I think it is important that you do hold your friend to a high standard. I expect now she knows how much you're hurt by her difference in understanding. Nothing wrong if she feels the sting of it for awhile, but we of course hold out hope that your friendship will overcome.
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2/20/2009 4:38 pm |
.when alone in my bed... Waking up lazy, not wanting to wake up at all... just wishing there was someone to wake me up... This is the time I'd really like to feel Him smell Her... Heat-seeking missiles Approach Her gently but without hesitation... while we two still half a sleep... as those Two definitely have a will of their own... Cuddle turning into spooning... feeling how I open up for Him... No need to really move... it's enough if I play with my muscles a wee bit... just so that He is fully awake... and feels what She is doing... I must confess, I do like it from behind... it feels great... can adjust the position... deeper spoon or then more straight... and I like the feeling of being close... feel the breathing on my neck... back feeling the heart beats... Hhhmm....
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