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| Blogs > PurplePeach72 > No Ordinary Girl! |
Deep Thoughts Post Make Up
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Deep Thoughts Post Make Up The Roller Coaster Scream Machine I live on keeps on kicking it up a notch. I felt like the Viking and I had really made some headway in our rebuilding. Like we were really starting to gel again. I’d gotten to know my new massage therapist pretty well and turns out she’s in the lifestyle. She and I seem to have very similar views on poly hierarchy, being secondary, how that should work, how it could work with us. She and I aren’t interested in a bisexual relationship with each other but sharing my hubby sounded fun so I told her we’d take her out to dinner while he was home. Then while I was away for the Theatre Awards Show they could have alone time to see how much they liked each other. Our dinner went great but the Viking totally lost that it was supposed to be an us thing and took her out on our last night out together when we were supposed to be celebrating our missed & forgotten anniversary, Valentine’s Day and his upcoming birthday. He came in a 3am talking about still having 2 hours to fuck me before I had to get up with the to send her off on her babysitting job at the awards and I hit the road for a 9 hour drive shortly thereafter. I was so hurt, disappointed and mad that I left when I sent the off without a word. We had a huge blow-up and agreed to call it a large miscommunication. But all weekend my spidey senses kept telling me there was more to the pie and of course there was. I went to have a heart to heart with the GF on Monday to be told the Viking had only used condoms with her on the first night not the other 2 nights and Sunday morning he came inside her despite reassuring me he wouldn’t take any condom risks and knowing she wasn’t on any birth control and had a pregnancy scare weeks before. I struggled and hung on through 7 miscarriages trying to have his baby but it never crossed his mind that this might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. He had already made plans with her to come out to see him on a weekend we’d been talking about a family trip. When I confronted him he went on a “Fuck you all” rant of about 18 hours. I think I am still in shock that he actually did that deliberately to hurt me. Then as we’re making up and he’s talking to me about handing over the reins of our relationship to me and being 100% transparent he’s trying to convince the GF to keep something private with him and from me. Feeding her the line of there being a difference between being transparent and not having private conversations. I was livid at them both. He claimed it was a misunderstanding but the GF admitted that she was just too weak to resist him. Great so now I can’t trust either of them. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to restrain my anger enough to be around him last weekend but I knew his rage is much fresher than mine. I knew coming home was a big deal for him. I didn’t know how big until he explained it all but it was a significant act of love and asking for forgiveness. He readily agreed to everything I asked for and then some. Now we’ll see how serious he is and if we can get through the next few months without the professional counseling help that I think we really need. My therapist was surprisingly impressed with his efforts to accept his wrongs and mend them. I’m meeting with the lawyer again today to discuss the terms of the separation agreement he’s agreeing to for a year. He’s agreed to be completely honest, open, 100% transparency without privacy in regards to paramours or potential paramours. He claims he’s turning the relationship reigns over to me since he’s fucked up so badly so many times in the last year and a few months. We’re also closing our marriage on my terms which currently only includes shared swinging or EMP’s. So my light reading of late has been about how to rebuild trust again with multiple betrayals. Thinking about why truth and honesty are so very essential to me. As a survivor of long term emotional, physical and sexual abuse as a I was unable to trust the people closest to me who were supposed to protect me, my mom, my dad, my step-father, my uncles and every other adult who did not protect me from the abusers. Honesty, telling the truth became my only way of gauging trust worthiness. As a of pathological liars learning to tell the truth no matter what the consequences was extremely difficult for me. Learning the value of the truth in romantic relationships was even harder. Telling the truth to those I loved was a hard learned, earned skill for me and not something I’m willing to compromise on. People who can’t be honest, can’t be trusted. All my life people have lied to me and since becoming an adult free from the influence of my pathological lying family members truth has become my faith and test of worthiness. Telling the truth despite negative consequences shows that someone values honesty, honor, the value of giving their word the same way I do. If I give my word or my promise I will move heaven and hell to make sure I can keep that promise or my given word. If for some reason beyond my control I find I can’t, I bring it to the aggrieved person immediately to see how we can work through it. That sense of honor, your word being your bond and standing behind what you say is an extremely important value in my life. It is one I felt we shared. Unfortunately what I see is a pattern of lies, deceit and cheating that have left me questioning if I ever really knew the man I married. Was it all just a lie? Was the honor, honesty and value of giving your word just an illusion I wanted to see? A lie he encouraged me to believe while hiding the not using a condom while haranguing me to practice safe sex and the years of preaching about safe sex all just a self-serving lie so he could fuck anyone he wanted without a condom? 3 years here in Italy and 2+ years of hiding an emotional affair, lying to her that he wasn’t married, didn’t have anyone to love and care for him plus a year of basically telling me to shut the fuck up and take what he was dishing or get the fuck out and me at home struggling through 7 miscarriages, 5 of them alone without him, trying to make a home, a safe haven of comfort and love for him when he was rarely ever there wanting to be his best friend and confidant knowing I was just an obstacle to the good time girls he was fucking. Over a year struggling to try to trust him again after all the lies and pushing me behind what he wanted with a woman who thinks I’m a psycho controlling, manipulative, co-dependent bitch ruining his life. Her still trying to deliberately hurt me and him still defending her as recently as Saint Patty’s Day. And he decides to not use a condom and cum inside a woman who isn’t on birth control, wants a baby, won’t have an abortion, had a pregnancy scare within the last month and who he agreed was a high risk and promised to use condoms without a single thought to how that rash “fuck you” decision would affect me and us. No thought that possibly getting another woman pregnant would destroy me and our marriage. How do you rebuild after that? Now I sit and wonder, do I really know this person at all? Was everything in our relationship plan a deception to get what he wanted? Did we ever really have a truly open, honest marriage or was it all in my head while he ran around doing as he pleased? Do I offer anything of value to him or is it all just a lie? He said no one takes care of him. No one looks out for him. No one loves him. So what have I been doing for 5 years? What difference did it make writing to him every single day for a year while he was in Afghanistan? Obviously that wasn’t enough to prove I love and care for him what is? If after all the times he’s “come clean” about not using a condom, lying to me about the women he was with repeatedly over the years we’ve been together and all the things I’ve done in that time to build and keep a home for him aren’t enough to prove to him that I am deserving of his trust what is? And what is he doing to regain my trust? Does it really matter? If the betrayals continue and we become FWB who are legally married what difference does it make? We’ve been together for 6 years this Christmas and most of that time we haven’t actually lived together. In 4 months that will all change and we will be cohabitating again. The 3 years here in Italy I’ve worked hard to make a life for myself, separate from him and on my own. I remember how proud he was the first time someone recognized him as my husband and not the other way around. Tonight the friend who helped me co-found the non-profit here to help families move with large pets and I were recognized by our community with special awards. Now he feels left out of my busy life here. And the doubts and questions just keep coming: How much do we really have in common? I feel like we have to start over at square one and get to know each other, trust each other all over again if that is even possible. Nickelback has a song titled “Make Me Believe Again”. "Make Me Believe Again" Before this hits the ground Before this fades away I wanna let it out And I don't wanna wait So don't you let me down And don't you hesitate Before I turn around Before I walk away I want you to make me Make me Make me Make me believe again In some kind of faith Help me to see again Before it's too late 'Cause forever is never That far away Make me believe again (Make me believe again) I can't pretend Make me believe again I can't pretend Make me (believe again) Believe again If you could take the dirt And wash it all away If you could say the words That make me want to stay Just tell me there's a chance To hell with all the blame If you could take my hand If you could lead the way I want you to make me Make me Make me Make me believe again In some kind of faith Help me to see again Before it's too late 'Cause forever is never That far away Make me believe again (Make me believe again) I can't pretend Make me believe again I can't pretend Make me (believe again) Believe again Make me believe again In some kind of faith Help me to see again Before it's too late 'Cause forever is never That far away Make me believe again (Make me believe again) I can't pretend Make me believe again I can't pretend Make me believe again I can't pretend Make me believe again I can't pretend Make me believe again” That song really kind of sums up how I feel lately. He’s there. I’m here and nothing is going to change much until the fall but I want to believe again. Right now I don’t feel much of anything. I get brief intense flashes of misery, betrayal, rage but they pass so quickly it’s hard to believe I’ll ever really feel again. I so wanted to curl up in the Viking big strong arms and just cry, wail, fall apart but I can’t anymore without the trust. How do you let someone who broke you try to put you back together? I don’t know but I’m trying. I read this article the other night and it really resonated with me not because of what it says the betrayer can do but what I have to do. The questions I have to answer. “This isn’t the kind of thing you can just brush off through positive thinking. You can’t make yourself feel trusting by telling yourself you should be, or rationalizing away your feelings. The reality is it takes time and effort to trust again. It takes the courage to acknowledge how you feel and willingness from the other person to hear and honor it. It takes a mutual commitment to move beyond what happened instead of reliving and rehashing. But most importantly, it requires you to believe in the goodness and positive intentions of the person who hurt you. You have to believe someone can treat you with respect and consideration—even if it takes you a while to get there—or else you’ll never let your guard down. That’s a painful place to be. The thing about being defensive is that everything becomes a battle, and no one ever wins. Of course this doesn’t mean we can ever know for certain that someone won’t hurt us again. The only way we can know if we’re able to trust someone is by first giving them trust. That means we need to ask ourselves: Is this relationship worth that risk? Is it worth feeling vulnerable? Is it worth forgiving? Is it worth letting go of the story? And if it’s worth it, what would it look like to give trust, starting right now? “ http://Older Hookups.com  Kisses, LA    |
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You look great!! Great to see you post!! You are one sexy woman...the Viking is a lucky man!!!!! 
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"PurplePeach72 replies on 5/17/2016 6:49 pm: And the older we get the more past we have to let go of and the less future to grasp onto" I agree with the first part and although chronologically the second part is true, in terms of quality it is not so
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Holy Toledo that's a touching story. I feel for you, PurplePeach72. Please keep sharing with your readers, including this new one. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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Very nice pic
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I think you put an interesting situation. If your spouse is breaking the rules of game, behind the back and lacking giving you the attention. I would consider is cheating and having an affair. I think it is okay to give him one last chance. You have invested 6 years with him and I think still love him. Work on that therapy. Hope its works out.
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Sounds like a lot of heartache darling... big hug for you!  Btw- the photograph is gorgeous! Thoughts from the Garden...
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We have to let go of the past to grasp the future
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LA ... It appears you both continue to make the same mistakes. You stayed with the last one even when he treated you badly. This man has nothing to offer you. He is incapable of change. He is a deeply flawed human being. He is no different than all the other abusers you've had in your life. But you aren't ready to except or see this. I would stop couples therapy and seek intensive therapy for yourself. You need to set a better exams for your daughter. You're too young to live in anguish, live is way too short. Do you have any Primal Urges ... I do, please CUMHANDLEME and explore some of my naughty and nice Primal ... Urges with me !!!
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You look great!! Great to see you post!! You are one sexy woman...the Viking is a lucky man!!!!!
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Man... those are some tough questions. I've been asking myself similar ones for a while now and still don't know all the answers. Hope your answers come easier.
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i feel as it sounds yu have given an given, an are now wasting your time an life...very old saying once a cheater always a cheater... your to beautiful to live like this... when one door closes another is about to open.... close your door so another better one an open to you
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